ReadMORE Book Club Issue #1
Forrest Griffin — Be Ready When the Sh*t Goes Down
Welcome to the first ever Readman’s Read‘more’ book club. At the start of the month I asked the community to vote on a book and edging out the respectable Stephen King’s “The Stand” was this dumpster fire of a book. Be Ready When the Sh*t Goes down is a comedic (semi-serious, Griffin has clearly thought this out) instructional guide on what to do to prepare for and survive the apocalypse. It is an enjoyable short read from a UFC fighter turned New York Times bestselling author (seems crazy right?). It also somehow ranks #98 on Amazon for Safety and First Aid, so there’s that…
Anyway, here’s what I think.
A True Masculine Romp
Written just before the coinage of toxic masculinity and our newfound wokeness, some lines in this book are accompanied with a wince, or at least a guilty giggle. It is definitely not PC, however, the books light-hearted tone, shock humour, persistent homo-eroticism and relentless self-mockery shows that the writer is self-aware of this fact throughout. It is, in part, a satire of uber masculinity and I’m sure had the book been written today, it would be exactly the same. Scratch that, it likely would’ve been worse.
In all fairness, Griffin does provide a content rating for the book of ORTBIYAAMBTA-1435, which stands for Only Read This Book If You Are A Male Between The Ages of 14–35. As well as an entire page of warnings like this one:
“Warning — This book was written for idiots by idiots.”
Admittedly, I must place myself in the category of certified buffoon because I enjoyed this book far too much. It is an over the top, art of manliness, dick-joke, gun toting fantastical frolic through the apocalypse and if Forrest Griffin is the authority (he’s not) then I am now ready!
Top Tips from the Book
Griffin covers a range of topics, with helpful tips along the way and pointless meandering stories he calls “Fortune Cookie Wisdom”. Distancing yourself from your family now, starting your own post-apocalyptic religion and MMA for the elderly (not what you think, think geriatric gladiator) are but a few of the helpful tips now taking up capacity in my brain. Here are my three favourites
“Milking Alternatives”
Griffin covers three full pages on milking different animals should the usual sources not be available. He goes into detail on how to suckle from the teat of a great ape (with an illustration), Kangaroos and Giraffes. His list of what not to milk is just as useful, which includes sleeping bears, penguins, locusts and humans, of which he assures us he is still researching with gusto.
DIY Deathcore Warmachine
Griffin goes beyond Mad Max in describing how to build your apocalypse survival vehicle. In natural American style, he suggests pulling no punches and using a Ford F-350 Super Duty pick-up truck as the base, with the usual military style upgrades. From there he provides steps on how to add a fermentation tank to your vehicle, because of course we’ll all go back to drinking booze for hydration when the water can’t be trusted. Surprisingly, he makes the sensible recommendation of adding a second tank for mixing biodiesel, then it’s back to business as he explains how to turn the back seats into your end-of-the-world shag pad. You must admit, the guy has a plan for everything.
The Man Cave
Pre-apocalypse this is the room in the house the man has been given dominion over and has permission to decorate, nearly always poorly and typically includes a foosball table. Come the nuclear winter though, it is a literal cave one lives in. This section is full of useful tid-bits, such as keeping your planned shelter secret, duh! You don’t want the whole community turning up to your three-person shelter when shit goes down. Especially not the same community that scoffed at you when they discovered you poop in the woods ‘for practice’ or that time you believed ’28 Days Later’ was a documentary. They can fend for themselves during Ragnarök, especially you Jake. By the way, the shovel, sandbags and corrugated metal sheeting I bought after reading this section are totally unrelated and should not be construed otherwise.
The doomsday preppers, the immature, the mentally unhinged and the illiterate will undoubtedly love this book. Happy reading and come the ‘end times’ you are welcome to join my cult!
Did you read the book?
Comment below or get in touch, I want to hear from you. Did you read the book? If so, what did you think? Do you agree with what I’ve written here?
To vote on the next book, follow my page on Facebook and tune in on the first Monday of the month (4th May) to vote. Alternatively you can get in touch via my website.
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